WISE AND LOVING CHOICE

birth mother
29 years ago I made the most difficult decision a young mom could have made. I chose to place my son for adoption, signing my rights away as a mother. 
In all these years my heart has longed to fill that missing piece…. that void… that emptiness. Though the grief was tremendous, the love was greater. 
I’ve gone through 29 Mother’s Day celebrations always thinking about him… wondering the what if’s and the what’s he doing now thoughts.From the very day I signed those papers on March 19, 1989, I remember the day vividly. I remember that solemn first and only drive with my son to the adoption agency. That day I held out hope to meet him one day in the future.
That one day still holds true. Though it seems I’ve met or been in contact with everyone around him over the years I’ve never actually met him. From what I understand he has no desire for that long awaited reunion I’ve wanted all these years.

As a birth mom, even though I’ve known where he lives, finding out accidentally who his adoptive parents were I’ve never crossed that line of what seems to be an invasion or disrespect on his life. Though I’ve wanted to, for selfish reasons… to somehow ease that pain of life long grief for me. Not for him. 
And now, even decades later… I could easily message him on Facebook, but I won’t. 
I won’t because I can rest easy knowing he is secure in who he is. He is secure in his parents love for him. To this day, this adoption has continued to teach me about love… as I was taught years ago about the meaning of love… its willing the highest good for that individual.If I have to wait another 29 years or even not in this lifetime… its ok. It’s not about me. I gave him life and entrusted his adoptive parents to love and give him a life that I wasn’t capable of giving him 29 years ago.

Here’s to birth moms and adoptive parents. Happy adoption day.

About oneta hayes

ABOUT ME Hello. To various folks I am Neat’nee, Mom, Grandma Neta, Gramma, Aunt Neta, Aunt Noni, Aunt Neno, and Aunt Neto (lots of varieties from little nieces and nephews). To some I’m more like “Didn’t you used to be my teacher?” or “Don’t I know you from someplace?” To you, perhaps, I am a Fellow Blogger. Not “fellow” like a male or a guy, but “fellow” like a companion or an adventurer. I would choose to be Grandma Blogger, and have you pull up a chair, my website before you, while I tell you of some days of yore. I have experienced life much differently than most of you. It was and is a good life. I hope to share nuggets of appreciation for those who have gone before me and those who come after me. By necessity you are among those who come after me and I will tell you of those who came before. Once upon a time in a little house on a prairie - oops, change that lest I commit plagiarism - and change that “house on the prairie” to “dugout on the prairie.” So my story begins...
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7 Responses to WISE AND LOVING CHOICE

  1. as an adopted child, now 58, I didn’t even know today was that day…
    I never went looking, nor to my knowledge has anyone come looking for me…I’ve wanted to look in part because I wanted to know about my medical background—especially since I’ve had some odd uncommon issues and has my son…but I always said I’d never go looking as long as my dad was alive…now, I don’t know. I don’t want to necessarily meet anyone, I just want to know health / medical issues as well as my ancestral background—I say Scotch / Irish but am I really???…just so many questions…

    • oneta hayes says:

      My little sister is a blood cousin whom my parents took in when she was four. She was basically uninterested in finding her mother in later years until her sister became ill. Then she found their mother. My sister went to visit her. It might have settled some issues of curiosity but she had no desire to establish a relationship. Her mother was my mother – the woman who raised her. And she is my sister – even though their is no legal ties. Love ties bind.

      • Yep—I totally agree Oneta— my parents were the two who raised me blood kin or not—sure there will always remain nagging and lingering questions but no denying the true role of parent!

  2. Faye says:

    A powerfully written and compassionate look at a truly heart-searing issue. All mothers will understand, I believe a mother’s TRUEST expression of love can be in the decision of giving up the child where safety and ‘better’ may be ahead. Jewish mothers during the tragedy of World War 11. Way back in the bible to the Moses story. Modern day …..the need to kNOW….can cause heartache and I salute the writer of this story for her decision to not pursue her OWN desperate need for ‘connection’. Maybe medical questions could be also handled (independently by doctors or professionals…I’m not sure.) My heart simply aches for all folk whose lives have been effected by this often necessary decision.
    Thanks Oneta for the blog to inform.

    • oneta hayes says:

      In this time when abortion is so often a choice, it is good to hear stories like this. Both stories are heart rending, but this story let her son be a man with roots that include a mother and a dad.

  3. calmkate says:

    Thanks for posting this Oneta … poor Pamla, what an amazing strong and ethical lady!

    This whole adoption issue is a loaded one for all concerned and she may never meet her dearly beloved son … or he may want to meet when his adoptive mother passes on … or need medical information when he has children … things change but some people these days really don’t understand how difficult it was to keep children in those days.

    Now everything seems streamlined for single mothers, then it was deemed the biggest sin. Things really needed to change, thanks for bringing the issue up.

  4. oneta hayes says:

    Pam disappeared from my life for many years, then she found me through FB and made a call to me one Sunday morning a few years ago. It was delightful to hear from her after so long. She has a handsome and talented son whom she is raising. He is in his late teens. She has proven to be a great mother in that way also.

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