Try not to let the number of years distract you from my message. I don’t even remember when I wrote it first. The second section, below my picture, is my message to you today.
I’ve been into mother’s stuff again. The second time in 21 years. Nine years ago I looked at some of the things she had left to me. Sorrow consumed me as I sat thinking of lost opportunities to have let her know how much I cared.
I bought a Mother’s Day card, wrote the following note on it. “To Amy, my Mom. To a loving mother from a sorrowful daughter 13 years too late.” In the card is a letter I wrote full of remorse about my not having expressed more appreciation for her talents. Especially her ability to write historical stories, even make-believe stories like her Baretta story.
I could make a quick judgment about the art and often told her they were pretty. But I knew so little about writing and took even less time to appreciate it. Now that I love to write I wish I had shared more of that with her. A section from my letter to her says – “I have thought of you often during the 21 years since you were here. But I think it has always been because I wanted you to see MY accomplishments, MY family, MY home, MY yard, MY Lexus – never because I wanted to share YOUR accomplishments, YOUR family, YOUR house, YOUR yard, YOUR writings, YOUR pictures. Sorry, sorry, sorry.”
Today I am destroying the card. I’ve learned a very humbling lesson. What good is an “I’m Sorry” thirteen years too late. I don’t know what I will remember when I see her again. But I hope I will still have the opportunity in Heaven to say, “Mom, you were an amazing woman when you lived on earth.”
I don’t know whether or not I have shared the message above on a blog before, but even if I did, it is a warning that needs to be considered regularly. Are you holding a grudge against a friend or family member? “I’m Sorry” hits real hard after death. Be generous with your mercy even if the other person was in the wrong. Or maybe it is not hard feelings, just the busyness of life. Or maybe, as in my case, …………I don’t know how to finish this. Maybe because I was wrapped up in me, not her.
Oh my, this transparency is hard. It is only worth it, if it helps you understand